Administratium / Administrontium ?

In 1993, I read a dim photocopy of a typescript of Administratium taped to Northeastern Illinois University physics professor, Dr. R. Puri's door. I copied the piece by hand and, frustrated with University redtape and bureaucracy, proceeded to add to it until I came up with Administrontium. I changed the name because I didn't have the original citation and because I could make more jokes with the new name. I also invented Bureaucratritium and its behavior. My satire was written in AP style and originally published in the June 21, 1993 NEIU Independent. Several months later, The Journal of Irreproducible Results published it in their Volume 39, Number 5, September-October 1994 issue. The editor of JIR cleared the publication with his editorial board, none of whom knew who had written the original piece.

Ten years later, I received an email containing a weird hybrid of both pieces. It used the name Administratium but with many of my jokes and - even more curiously - additions by unknown emailers which occur in neither original. My favorite addition is "memos" to the list of bonding particles.

I did an Internet search on the topic and found on Donald Simanek's page "http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/administ.htm" that the first publication of Administratium was in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher. It was written by William DuBuvitz who retired as professor of physics from Middlesex County College in Edison, New Jersey in 2000.

My rather belated thanks to Dr. DuBuvitz for his inspiration. Here are the full texts of both pieces as published.

Administrontium

Crystal structure of Administrontium
Click for 204Kb image.


Crystalline structure of pure elemental sample of Administrontium
atomic mass 312


Image printed in NEIU Independent and JIR

2004 Ellin Beltz
Physics Non-Department First to Photograph New Element.
by Ellin Beltz

June 21, 1993 NEIU Independent
The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 39, Number 5, September-October 1994 issue.


The first photograph of crystals of a newly discovered element were taken using special equipment developed by Physics Non-Department Professors recently, according to a press release distributed by University Disinformation Tuesday.

The element, called Administrontium by its discoverers at California M and M University, is the heaviest element yet discovered by scientists. Created in their massive confusion reactor, the element has no protons or electrons and an atomic number of zero. However, it has one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. The higher level particles are held together by a continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, while lower level particles are held together by peons. The absence of electrons precludes covalent or ionic bonding, but Administrontium has a different form of bonding, referred to by some California M and M workers as a sort of "old boy network" or male bonding.

Dr. Inrico Squirmi of the Physics Non-Department said that the discovery of administrontium answers questions long unsolved by physicists such as why certain reactions take immeasurably longer in atoms with high numbers of neutrons. He said it appears that even elemental samples considered pure may contain traces of Administrontium. "Even a little Administrontium is enough to slow down a simple reaction," he said, adding that one reaction which should occur in less than a second required over four days to complete after exposure to Administrontium.

Squirmi explained that since Administrontium has no electrons it is chemically inert and has a normal half-life of approximately three years. However, Administrontium does not actually decay in three years, but undergoes a reorganization during which the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. He added that the atomic number may actually increase after each reorganization although scientists have never been able to find the additional neutrons but their presence can be inferred by an increase in mass and inertia.

California M and M scientists reported that they found Administrontium occurring naturally, once they knew the unusual nature of the element. It has been found most significantly in excellently appointed office buildings in the Western nations, South America, Africa and parts of Asia. In addition, archaeologists have discovered concentrations of it in the ruins of Egyptian and Chinese cities. Russian scientists report that levels of Administrontium in Moscow actually fell slowly after the Chernobyl disaster, according to sources in the former Soviet Academies of Science. American researchers point out, however, that the Russian results have not been confirmed by independent testing.

Another Physics professor at this institution, Dr. Far Out Om, said that although administrontium has been considered toxic in any concentration since it slows or destroys productive reactions, new research indicates that the pathway of its effects is similar to that of calcium/strontium replacement. "Administrontium replaces the skeleton, if you will," he said, "It is a very, very nice reaction. Very slow, but irreversible." He added "Once Administrontium takes over, you will never, never get rid of it, no matter how much money you can spend."

According to work done slowly by the National Institutes of Disease in Bedstead, Maryland, Administrontium can decay into a compound they have named Bureaucratritium. The toxic effects produced by Bureacratritium result in headaches, dizziness, bloating, an insatiable appetite, massive weight gains, inability to concentrate on work, compulsive copying and faxing, and eventually paralysis which ends after 15, 20 or 25 years. Persons suffering from Bureaucratritium exposure are recommended to take jobs in small, private companies where its effects can be mitigated by enterprise, initiative and risk-taking.

Administratium

New Chemical Element Discovered
by William DeBuvitz

January 1989 The Physics Teacher


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

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September 22, 2009

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